so I'm thinking of not going home so soon. I just feel so weak today. I feel weak a lot lately...

I think I have too much on my mind right now, and it's starting to affect me. I just... don't feel completely happy anymore... I look forward to the end of school because I want to start living a life... I don't feel like i've actually had one, I've just been in school the whole time.

I don't even think I can even completely trust the statement above because I've only been feeling this lately, and I've only been dealing with these problems with my loved ones lately. I'm just so tired... I've more or less become a nihilist over the past year. Which is friggin dumb in some respects, but in others... I'm emancipated. I just don't care anymore.

I stopped giving a shit about a lot of trivial things because, well, they aren't worth caring about on a grand scale when I actually weigh it all out. Why cry over spilled milk when there are plenty of cows outside? I'm glad I'm me. I enjoy being me but lately... I detest it. It's bullshit. I'm putting up with so much, not because it's something I don't want to, but... well, people in my life are suffering physically and mentally, and these are the things I care about. These are what matters in the grand scale, and it's not only taking a toll on them, but very much me too.

I don't like where things are going. Almost to symbolize this... my room mates lizard died today. My favourite lizard of his dies, after it's been sick but got better. After he arranged an appointment with the vet for today just to see how well Enzo's doing. After he has a dream the night before that it's going to die. He just... fucking... died.

I've been thinking about this and... I'm going to give up... It's the summer and I'm giving up. I'm not trying anymore. I quit. It don't matter. None of this matters. Why should it? Who gives a fuck? I do less everyday. This isn't to say I'm going to become an asshole to the people I know, I won't, I'll never give up on them and I'll do my fucking damnedest to make sure they are in one piece. On the other hand... I don't want them to concern themselves with me. It will, but it shouldn't really because, as I said, I quit. Lol this isn't a suicide letter, so don't try to read into it like that, I'm very much intending to live and live is what I'll do. It's my condition of living that I'm talking about.

I mentioned before how I've more or less become a nihilist over the past year. It's not the whole hearted commitment. Only a personal pledge to not let things get to me. And yet it has. The only way it could, through loved ones... Anything else... hasn't. I take the "fuck it" attitude towards what isn't long term or necessary. And it has done wonders for me, I felt like ron livingston in Office Space, and this is a good thing. Sure everyone should care, but why bitch about what doesn't matter when I could honestly care less. It's been narrowed down to only caring about those I love. That's the way it's going to stay. Don't like it? *shrugs* just don't deal with it. Why care? who cares? I don't. Nobody should. Go bitch on your own journal about it, or even better, phone me or talk to me in person. This isn't a vendetta against anyone, I'm still the same person, I swear... hell, people even like me more because of my laconic attitude, and that's the way it's gonna stay. Sure I have optimism but what I'm doing is discarding my pessimism. It can fuck off cause I don't want it. I quit my job of caring... From here on in, I'm completely quitting. Just not on those I love, but for anything else that doesn't matter lol it's doesn't matter and it hasn't for the past... oh, 12 months.

This doesn't sound like a very optimistic letter, of course making early statements a diatribe, but... it is. For me. This is me opening up and saying:

"hey, you're awesome, I care about you, don't worry about me, and for the love of god don't get pissed off if you ruin your favourite shoes or break your laptop. Who really cares? Where does bitching get you?"

Too many people care about what isn't important. Lol fuck, I haven't even been able to pay my rent and honestly, I don't really care *shrugs* I can take care of it in a week when my money comes through, and if not *shrugs* shit lol fuck it. Boo fucking hoo, write a letter to your mayor cause I'm gonna be vacant towards it.

Seriously, think about it, what'll happen to you if you just plain stop? Quit. I implore you to consider what'll happen if you give up on what isn't necessary. Where will you be? Well, lets consider the possibility of not having any monetary possessions. You're broke, you have nothing. Hell, worked for everyone else back in the day. How did these people survive if it was really that important? lol go live off the land, that's what it's there for... not condo's, not strip clubs or bars, not parking lots, not for cars and certainly not for some fuck ass to try and govern how we should live lol fuck those guys too haha ridiculous! lmao, why should I care what some other asshole has to say about how we should live, if we can live without him. Don't say global warming lol that's the worst joke in the book. Don't say terrorists, that's an unseen fart in the wind.

I'm giving up. I'm only living for the day, not when my rent's due, not when school starts, not when my blockbuster bill needs paid. lol what life is that. I haven't lived according to these deadlines for a while haha and I can tell you, it's awesome. Awww, is the government telling you that you owe 100k for a loan? fuck them, they're just leeches for the indispensible. lol ok, i'll give you some paper you printed and it'll excuse me for you giving me paper hahahaha fucking nonsense. All I want to do is lie down in the sun, read a good book and survive off the land. Why do anything else? Why be a photographer who has to be somebody elses bitch just so I can earn some paper? hahahaha that's retarded! None of this makes any fucking sense! lol it's not worth it. None of this should dictate how we live, and yet it has for years. Oh, and where has god been during this whole time of disfunction? lol Jesus will have a second coming, so lets count down to that unforeseen date. No! lol that's just another deadline. Believe what you want, but you can sure as hell live as you want and still worship him.

I'm not bad mouthing the guy, he gives people hope, so good for him and them, but why live off of this incredible hope if you're deliberately agreeing to be fucked in the ass by today's living principles?? lol worship jesus or any other of your favourite deities, but seriously, you can do that and still give up. Go read the bible then try to tell me that it contradicts what I'm talking about. Shit, don't read the bible and tell me this free living isn't better than what we have right now. Border control?? hahaha you mean that invisible line that stops people from living on land? Sure, we don't want bad people living where we do, but ya know what, most of these fucks are only bad because they've become so dependent on disposable possessions, especially money, that they feel they have to do this just to live. hahaha what fucking logic is that? it's the logic we've had drilled into our heads because we've been made to believe these things are important, then we vilify those that have become desperate.

I... Don't... Care.

lol So how's everyone else doing? doing good? hope so, I feel fucking great right now. I broke a $350 watch last night. Awwww, am I gonna cry and fork out money to fix it? no! lol i'll fix the fucker myself. Or better yet, just don't fix it. Deadlines don't exist to me anymore. I don't have to do shit if I don't want to lol selfish? nope, just taking advantage of the freedom of life we all should have.

Lol i'll talk to ya'll later! have a great day. Better yet, have your own day. *shrugs* do your own thing, and I sincerely hope you enjoy it!